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Pinoy Drama: B*tch, puhleeze. By Ninja Dreavus & Ninja Torture

“Hindi ko kayang mawala ka sa’kin, Belatreya. Ikaw lang buhay ko.”

“Pero mayaman kayo, Otenciano. Isang hamak na iskwater lang ako.”

This is an example of a Pinoy TV ‘kilig‘ moment. Sounds familiar, I know. But I made that up. LOL. The female family members of mine would sometimes giggle like crazy in the living room with their sparkling eyes fixed on the adorable love team (Love teams have funny names too. Marian + Dingdong = Dongian. Kim + Gerald = Kimerald. Manny Pacquiao + Jinkee = Mankee) holding hands and exchanging ghastly dialogues. I, on the other hand, would silently predict what’s gonna happen.

I am but tired of all these bullshit; it assaults my visual and auditory organs– the lame acting, predictable events, awful dialogues, shameless product placements… But as much as I wanted to escape from the horror of it, I couldn’t; I was trapped inside the vortex. This terrifying Pinoy pop culture is inescapable. Oh, the horror! Someday these dramas will be called ‘classics’ by our grandchildren. Who knows what will happen in the future?

Seriously enough, though, the only interesting one I had ever seen was Amaya. I’m not saying I was a huge fan. I’m saying it was better than the other fucked-up shows. But come to think of it, were there mestizos already during the time of Lapu-lapu, or did the show just fuck our minds? Praise be toBathala I still have my Philippine history books. After Amaya, there was none. So we’re back to the old stinky programs and its annoying and common logic flaws and stereotypes. Here are some of the crazy things that happen in common Soaps, let’s call it Kunin Mo Na Ang Lahat Sa Akin Wa’g Lang Yung Akin:

1. Boy meets girl in a very unusual situation. Boy is a rich jerk who owns a  huge company while girl is a peasant palaban who graduated college as a scholar. (In real life, though, the richer ones are smarter, some are even polyglots.) Story unfolds when girl (working as a part-timeserbedora) accidentally spills hot coffee on rich boy’s lap. She apologizes but rich boy does not take it. He’s rich, bitch. Instead, he humiliates her in front of all the people. Then you get the picture: the couple-to-be quarrels, girl says: ‘Porke’t mayaman ka, kaya mo na akong i-ajdurfbubgjdfsdfaururururu? Hindi noh!’, punches rich guy in the gut, and that’s how the love-hate relationship begins.
2. Boy is a jerk because he was left by his sosyalera girlfriend in the past. Since then he started fucking women mercilessly and disposed them like overused garbage bags. He gets all the girls, except for the Palaban girl who burned his balls with hot coffee. He can’t get his mind off of her. He thinks she’s just sooo.. different… so unique. Blah-blah. Girl thinks about him too, in the dark, before snoring her filthy ass off, but shakes her head to dislodge the thought. There is no way she could fall in love with a rich jerk. “Langit ka, Lupa ako” is related.
3. Girl has a kababata–A BBF (Boy Best Friend) who is truly, madly, deeply in love with her. Everyone in their barangay knows about poor BBF’s feelings; she’s the only one who doesn’t notice. Stupid girl.
4. Skip, skip. After an awful lot of crazy circumstances, boy and girl finally confess their romantic feelings for each other. This usually happens on the beach or in the dark.
5. The Rich Hipokrita mama of the boy disagrees about their relationship. “She’s poor, hijo. Di natin ka level.” Take note that this happens in real life too, but not as dumb as what happens here.
6. Girl hesitates about their fresh relationship because boy’s mama is a bitch who loves corporate events and entertains only the wealthy, but boy tells her it doesn’t matter, as long as they’re together. “Sorry, mom, I love this peasant girl who spilled coffee on my crotch and punched me in the gut”
7. Girl lives in the slums but has pearly white skin and lush hair. In short, she doesn’t look like a slum-dweller who falls in the Poso line to fetch pails of water in the scorching heat of noon.
8. Girl says she has no money to pay for her Tatay’s utang, but has huge, visible bottles of Skin White right behind her.
9. Girl’s Tatay is a doper, gambler, drunkard and wife-beater who beats the shit out of his wife to take the small amount of money she earns from doing the neighbors’ laundry.
10. Girl comes home from an exhausting day of work and finds her drunkTatay bitchslapping her Nanay. She stops him and begs, ‘Tama na ‘Tay! Maawa kayo kay Inay!’ But drunk Tatay doesn’t listen. Instead, he replies with ‘Tumahimik ka, leche ka sa buhay ko! Hindi ka namin totoong anak!’. Girl pauses for a bit and stutters, ‘T-t-t-t-t-t-totoo p-p-p-p-po b-b-a iyon, ‘N-n-nay?’. This kind of scene is usually followed by a life-saving Abangan Bukas.
11. After the devastating revelation, she flees home and Tan-da-da-dan! BBF to the rescue! He comforts her and gives her a hug, then boyfriend comes in and ruins the moment. BBF leaves silently, with that remarkable clumsy gait we call Pina-puypoy Nga Lakaw. Then a sad instrumental like this starts to play.
12. Rich boy comes home to find a sexy beast in his bedroom: His Ex, the fashion-forward sophisticate who enjoys cocks..er.. cocktail parties, shopping, branded bags and shoes and other expensive shit. Damn sexy and extremely fashionable, wears red lipstick and looks like a first-class prostitute, the Kontrabida. (Kontrabidas are often named Victoria, Veronica, Tatiana, Ursula, Morgana, Matilda, Maricar, Aulga, Rosanna, Katrina, Annabel Rama, Devila, Demonya and other hellish names that fit the character.) Aghast, rich boy pushes her away, but sosyalera kontrabida explains she was wrong when she left him and is dying to win him back. Boy shakes his head and tells her he’s in love with somebody else. Kontrabida gets angry and gives him a very nice and uplifting message: ‘ Tandaan mo to. Magsisisi ka!’
13.  Rich boy’s mom and Sosyalera Kontrabida meet secretly in a high-class restaurant, drinking champagne and uncovering a plot to humiliate the peasant bida girl. Brows knitted, they toast to their evil plans and chuckle loudly like demons. 
14. Peasant girl receives invitation to Rich boyfriend’s birthday celebration, but refuses to go because she has no proper clothes to wear (Padungog-dungog aron palitan). All of a sudden Kontrabida pops out like aTagulilong and tells Peasant Girl she’s got extra designer clothes for her to wear. Deeply touched by Sosyalera’s kindess, Peasant Girl embraces her. Little does she know that the evil sosyalera is about to dress her as a clown.
15. While Rich Boy is away talking to rich people like his own, Sosyalerasprinkles empty a pack of sleeping powder (courtesy of Bulbasaur) on Rich Boy’s drink.
16. Peasant Girl arrives and wonders why she is dressed exactly like theserbidoras. She shrugs and looks for her Prince Charming but he’s out of sight. You know what happens next. 1.) Rich Boy’s mama introduces her to the crowd as the Mukhang Pera/Dukha/Social Climber/Ambisyosagirlfriend of her unico hijo. 2.) Sosyalera pushes her into the pool with her right hand (because the other hand is holding a wine glass).
    

    “Kaawa-awang nilalang. Hahahahaha.”

17. A rich woman who happens to be the business partner of Rich Boy’s mom walks into the pool amid the laughing audience and helps Peasant Girl to her feet. They lock eyes for a moment, and kindhearted woman wonders why she instantly develops Magaan-Loob feelings for the girl. This is the scene where the rich but kindhearted woman gets a flashback of memories from her past, including the reason why she left her young piglet to a kind commoner who happens to be… Abangan Bukas.
18. Kindhearted woman offers Peasant Girl a ride home and finds out that the girl’s Nanay was the commoner she entrusted her baby with 20 years ago. The Nanay drags Peasant Girl inside the house and tells her not to see the kindhearted woman again.
19. Rich guy wakes up and finds himself lying naked on the bed besideSosyalera. He rubs his eyes wildly and mutters the classic line: ‘Anong nangyari? Ba’t ako nandito? Imposibleng mangyari to.‘ Nangyari your ass. This doesn’t happen in real life. A boy chased over by a rich, sexy woman? YO DA BOMB MAN. Boy bangs rich, sexy woman? (Shit, even the douchebag Hayden Kho documents his sex life and submits it to Animal Planet for scientific investigation.) He’ll probably brag about it with his beer buddies. “Nothing personal, dude, she left me before but came back ’cause she missed my cock.”
20. Sosyalera announces shamelessly to everyone that she’s pregnant. Rich guy: the father. Of course it’s a lie. A false pregnancy. People are evil. Evil is natural(Ask Miriam Defensor Santiago)! Sosyalera then asks Peasant Girl to stay away from Rich Boy for the sake of their baby’s future. Peasant Girl accepts because, duh, her life is so full of dramas and pina-mays. Her BFF, on the other hand, welcomes her with open arms and confesses his love for her (What a wonderful thing to say to a girl who just had her heart broken). She accepts him too, but unwillingly (This happens a lot in real life). Poor guy understands, sets her free, but remains a friend.
21. After a few boring days, Peasant Girl finds out that she is not actually peasant, but the one and only heir of one of the biggest companies in the country. Take that, Lucio Tan! I bet your daughter’s life is not as dramatic as hers! She leaves the slums, including her Nanay who raised her and loved her since she was a wrinkled pink thing who just came out of a fucked-up, much more wrinkled pink thing. Ungrateful wretch.
22. Everybody learns about the sudden transformation of the peasant-turned-rich girl, including the sosyalera, Hipokrita Mama and the rich lover boy.
23. Rich boy finds out about sosyalera’s fake pregnancy because of the blood-red tampons in the bathroom. Sosyalera cries and begs him to stay with her, but Rich Boy ignores her.
24. The Airport Chase Scene. Here we go, my friends. Rich Boy learns thatbida girl is flying out of the country in 30 minutes, so he sweeps his ass off to chase her (What’s the use of cellphone, by the way?). Dramatic background music plays as he arrives at the airport. This is what actually happens there: he turns around, runs, and turns around again, runs, turns around, searching for the girl he loves. At last, he finds the girl carrying a designer bag (with a bottle of Skin White sticking out of its zipper) and grabs her arm. Their eyes lock and the time stops. Girl withdraws her arm but boy doesn’t release it. So they exchange very lengthy dialogues and hugs each other after.
25. Duh. Wedding.

OTHER CLICHES FROM PINOY SOAPS

• An ex-girlfriend can become really evil. She would kill and kidnap and do other nasty things in the name of love. (In real life, if a person dumps you, two words: move on. Especially if you know you are beautiful enough to be chasing someone who isn’t worth it.)
• Villains would always wait for wedding days or other special occasions to arrive before they make a move. Only just to fuck things up more.
• Sagpaon nimo og kaldero ang kontra, makuyapan dayun siya.
• Funny actor hides himself in a small potted plant and the enemies don’t notice the potted plant moving slowly to the exit door.
• Leading lady comes back for revenge in a new identity, but still looks the same. Da fuq?
• Offeran ang mga leading lady og kwarta sa mga mama sa lalaki aron magpalayo sila.
• Female antagonist befriends leading lady. Nya inig mag hug na sila, the female antagonist flashes an evil smile.
• When people wake up from nightmares, they usually breathe hard and sweat rapidly as if they jogged miles.
• There’s always another love team, and sometimes much more interesting than the main one.
• Girls usually fight near the stairs, which is why one usually falls.
• Girlfriend smells woman’s perfume on boyfriend’s collar and instantly accuses him for cheating.
• That goddamned handkerchief scene where a guy gives a hankie to a sobbing girl. Girl takes the hankie and tells him: “Salamat. Lalabhan ko to.” Sweet baby Jeeeeesus, who would want to return a borrowed hankie without washing it?
• Kanang wedding day na ba nya di sila mudayun sa kasal. That won’t work in real life. Imagine the possibilities of getting locked up in jail for not backing out while you had the time. Kas kwarta sa preparations ah. YOU FUCKING SUFFER, BITCH.
• Drunk girl calls guy friend only to puke on his shirt.
• Girls don’t stop fighting until someone gets a heart attack.
• That lengthy 30-minute message of a dying person.
• That awkward laugh of antagonists when someone they hate dies.
• The Transformation Shit: A beautiful girl wears thick glasses and braces and gets mocked for being ugly. She removes them off and instantly becomes the most dazzling creature to ever walk on this earth.
• The big ‘YES! WOHOOO!’ of men whenever gisugot na sila sa girl. Guys don’t do this in real life. They just flash you a smile, and at the back of their minds they’re thinking: “I knew it. Haha.”

…And the list goes on! If you think there’s more, feel free to give a comment.